Turn the Shame Into Love

by Sophie on May 21, 2009

I am in agony of pain. It doesn’t happen often anymore. But today I am in agony of pain. On Twitter I am known as ‘Happy Sophie’, ‘Wise Sophie’, ‘Wonderful Sophie’. All the loving things people say about me. I love Tweeples for saying all this and I love myself for bringing all these friends into my life, for creating a supportive reality on line as I already have in my beautiful little New England town.

My life is gooood in so many ways!

But today, another layer is being uncovered, another veil is being lifted. I was reading today’s post on the Violence Unsilenced site and I remembered. It all came back flooding through me, through my body once again.

Of course
I have forgiven. Many times.
I bear no grudge. Anymore.
I understand why it happened. It was mostly PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
I want no revenge. The best revenge is to live well.
I know we are born good. Then stuff happens.

But this one sentence in today’s post: “I think I was a very smart little girl to freeze the natural love a child feels for a parent because he was a violent, scary man.” had me unexpectedly howling with pain as I realized how true that was of my own childhood. And in the next second I understood, in every cell of my body, why both my marriages failed: because as an infant I ‘froze the natural love a child feels’ and promptly became ashamed of myself for ‘not being nice’. Because where love cannot be, other things take hold, like fear, shame, anger and distance. When we freeze love, normal flowing interactions stop. And that is exactly what happened in my parents home. I worked on it for years, healed many many layers and aspects of this horrendous mess. But today I realized that the last layer was shame. A shame so insidious, so much a pervasive part of who I have thought I was that it prevented me from seeing that sometimes the love is still frozen and I create or attract unnecessary distance in my life.

I am going to go to bed early. And in the morning Happy Sophie will work her magic, remove blocks, change patterns, dissolve shame into love and download joy. And I will be held and guided through it: two wonderful, sweet, supportive, compassionate, safe men are already scheduled to spend time with me tomorrow to coach me on how to move my life forward. They are exactly what I need and they are very typical of the men I bring into my life nowadays: sweet support. Fixers, not destroyers.

My life is good.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for hearing and seeing me. That is exactly what the victims, ex-victims and recovering soldiers of violence need: they need to be seen so that THE ABUSE STOPS. And I posted this today so that my shame stops here and now and is transmuted into love. So be it.

What are you going to do to dissolve shame into love for yourself or the people around you?

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Sophie February 4, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Luna said…

Hi Sophie..I think so many of us are damaged at our cores, and the paths we follow in life can reflect that damage…and we have to do whatever it takes to deal with it, let it go, forgive, and move on. “Be the change we want to see it the world” I know it can be done..I am proof..others I know weren’t so lucky and are no longer here 🙁 and it is a choice… and we each have the ability…but sometimes not enough support or strength… so I do whatever I can to spread the thought…
“A candle looses nothing by lighting another candle. Erin Majors”
I have worked hard to surround myself with fabulous people, clients and co-workers alike

peace
May 21, 2009 8:53 PM

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2 Sophie February 4, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Some of the things people wrote about this post:

“such courage.. Thank you for sharing that – blessings and know we care – !!”

“wow is all I can say it does take a lot of years to learn to forgive”

“That was very touching & open hearted what you wrote..I feel you…Have Peace..”

May 21, 2009 9:23 PM

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3 Sophie February 4, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Michelle Hayward (16Stars) said…

Congratulations Sophie! Recognition of a situation is the first step to healing! Sometimes things act as triggers and something you thought had been dealt with looms large under the surface without us realising – it takes time to peel back the layers!
Take care! Your courage is amazing! Thanks for sharing!
Michelle (16Stars)
http://michellehayward.blogspot.com
May 23, 2009 8:06 PM

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