Personal growth in general, and spiritual awakening in particular, offer illogical, winding paths. I think partly to surprise us and to train us to let go of expectation, let go of baggage and let go of ego. When we commit to growth and awakening, we learn to live with the unexpected, we find the lessons in the unpleasant and we eventually make it a habit to trust and surrender. That’s a fairly common pattern, if you talk to any seeker, any guru or read spiritual literature.
The issue arises when trauma survivors set on said path because we are often (no everyone, I know, I wrote ‘often’) addicted to the highs and lows of adrenaline rushes and crashes. So when our spiritual quest pushes us to the edge to incite us to surrender, we are back on familiar territory: survival, making do with minimum support, navigating what looks like a crisis. But survivors don’t trust. They guerilla fight, they go underground, or they check out. And spiritual seekers who are trauma survivors can easily become addicted to the edge, to the pain and chaos that proves to them that they are growing, i.e. that they are doing the right thing and they are on the path (to enlightenment).
By definition, the edge is a fine line and does not give us much space to be. So by definition, we are not meant to live there: it does not offer enough space for us to live there. The edge is only useful because when we explore it, we push the boundaries and make the space we live in larger and because when w are at the edge, we learn new skills and we change. Then we NEED to come back to the center of our now improved and enlarged space.
If you are a trauma survivor and a spiritual seeker, living on the emotional and spiritual edge is not a sign of enlightenment, it’s a sign of addiction to chaos, in my opinion. Explore the edge when it’s optimum, go back to center as soon as possible and live in the center of your comfort zone most of the time. That’s true bliss.