Restoring Integrity

by Sophie on May 15, 2010

When the integrity of who we are is raped or violated in any way, physically, emotionally, spiritually or psychologically, it sets us on a course:

  • of wanting to hide the wound
  • then the shame
  • of wanting to hide the part of us that has become vulnerable because we think it is going to protect us to do so
  • of wanting to hide our confusion when we try to tell and are told that our reality is ‘not true’
  • of lying to placate the people who violated us

Others start wondering why we tell stories out of integrity and stop trusting us. They often think of us as aloof, distant, unloving and start withdrawing from loving interactions.

In a complex world of mirrors we lose the truth of the love we were meant to embody, to give and to receive.

  • We bend ourselves out of our energetic and often also out of physical shape
  • We start lying, most often unconsciously, to ourselves about what we like and want so we don’t have to use the vulnerable/wounded part of our being
  • We start lying to others about what we really want from our lives and from our interaction with them

All it takes to break the cycle is for us to trust one person long enough and to allow that person to love us deeply enough that their love reminds us of the love of our Creator and RECONNECTS us, attunes us to the love of our Creator.

We KNOW this so deeply that abuse survivors are often desperate to be loved and held in love. Unfortunately they also unconsciously choose their loving partners from a place where the wound wants to play out again, be heard and create a different outcome this time, it hopes. This can lead to a series of painful relationships, either romantic or friendship, and break ups that create their own layers of violation and rejection.

  • Some of us were lucky to find the loving friend or spouse that loved us back to Love.
  • others work their way through self help books
  • or are visited by an angel who transforms them
  • or have a life experience that forces them to remember or to face their truth in a dramatic way (near death experience, life threatening illness, loss of a loved one a career or a home etc).
  • Some need the help of a trustworthy and compassionate healer or therapist (yes, you can call me and set up an appointment, I am an abuse recovery expert and have gone through it myself).

Most of us who recovered from the violation of abuse did so through a combination of all the above to create self love and restore our integrity.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Giftedmum May 16, 2010 at 7:18 pm

Loving…heart felt real…. blessings to you Sophie on being a voice in the darkness that leads others to light…self-love & forgiveness


2 Karen May 16, 2010 at 8:09 pm


wow you are a gift. Thank you for your blog, the time and energy you give is so generous.

I am so grateful that you are in my world.

Much Love and peace,


3 Michelle November 14, 2010 at 1:41 am

There is a conflict in terminology that I don’t understand..we’re taught over and over that no one can love us, until we learn to love ourselves…How can “a loving friend or spouse love us back to Love”?, when in the first place–you had to love yourself in order to attract them? If a person grew up feeling unloved, and didn’t perceive what they saw at home as love-perhaps saw everyone making one another miserable, but never saw anyone LEAVE-will they ever truly learn to love themselves, or be able to attract anyone who can have love for them? Sometimes it feels as though life would be okay if someone “gave” you a “piece” of love–but will they give it, seeing and understanding that you don’t have it for yourself? I know what my experience has been in this subject matter, but wonder if you notice that the theories are contradictory?


4 Sophie November 16, 2010 at 7:46 pm

I disagree that we cannot be loved by others until we love ourselves. I think we learn to learn ourselves when we are loved well by others. Hopefully we receive that love in childhood, so it becomes second nature. Most of us now older adults did not receive or worse, grew up among abusive patterns. So we must bridge that gap and heal ourselves a piece at a time.
I believe that when everything goes well, a mother’s love to her infant/baby/toddler is the bridge between the Divine Love we come from and the daily reality of separation from each other that we experience while we are in human bodies.
When we did not receive that we create one piece at a time from the people who are ready to give us that piece. Like a patchwork quilt.


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