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Listening Honestly to my Body’s Story

Posted on January 8, 2012

“UNDERSTAND THIS MESSAGE: Cast aside your resentments toward others and forgive yourself for prior mistakes, insomuch you will be ceasing your chronic self-condemnation.” ~¬†Lauren G Reliford

A year ago a good friend told me I was too hard on myself, harder than anyone else was on me. It resonated so I set off to “cease chronic self-condemnation” as Lauren puts it. I have been working on this daily for a year now and the work has led me to places of my unconscious and my past that I did not know existed. Turns out both were worse than I thought and I wasn’t crazy after all: I had PTSD and I had spent much of my life having¬† normal reactions to abnormal situations.

Today Lauren’s quote reminded me that in the past week, old resentments, old pain and old anger have really been in my face. It started at Thanksgiving. Then waned around the Solstice and came back with a vengeance after the New Year. There is not a lot of drama with other people associated with my realizations and anger. No desire to punish anyone for what happened. Sometimes I want to explain but I don’t want to justify or argue and I let it go if I am not heard.

There is mostly a lot of pain because of what didn’t happen. The pain of not being cared for, looked after, protected, nor kept safe.

The pain created by broken promises. By people not stepping up to their responsibilities. My worse bitterness is when people are so weak or so unaware that they allow children’s lives to get worse instead of better.

I wish for more courage, more honesty and more tenderness.

I understand that I created all those people and their actions in my life. I understand that they are a reflection of some part of me, of my shadow side. That I can learn from them, love them and learn to love my shadow further. But this is for later.

Right now I am being human. Caroline Myss says “Your body is your biography”. So I am listening to the chemistry of my emotions and to the truth of my body. Right now I am being emotional, honest and hurt for once, instead of being nice to everyone and transcending my pain into spiritual lessons. My body knows. It wants to heal. It is supporting all of me to heal. Later I will do the energy work and re-write my story to what I want my future to become. Not yet. Now I am accepting myself as I am and as I have been. I am ceasing the chronic self condemnation and it is enough for today.

Right now my body is remembering, telling its story and mourning. And I am listening. Thank YOU for listening also.

PS: the daisy in the picture above is a symbol of resilience and survival. “Daisy ~ Bellis perennis ~ Protection – Keep calm, stay centered and remain focused. Surmount nervousness and agitation in the midst of turbulence. Take refuge in a sense of security from within the self.”

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