There are people in this beautiful world of ours who only feel satisfied when they can control everyone around them. Even is that means destroying someone else’s happiness or joy in order to gain control over them while they are sad, depressed, ill, miserable or feeling victimized. Because when the ‘victim’ are undermined and cannot do for themselves, they suddenly need support, right? So guess who is suddenly available to swoop in and help/support/rescue them? Yes: the ‘destroyer’ themselves.
My mother was one of those people whose low self esteem only allowed her to be happy when we were unhappy and needed her. So I learned at a VERY young age (definitely before I was 2) that it was DANGEROUS to be happy, to look free, to laugh, to express happiness in front of her because it would TRIGGER her anger and resentment and set her into destructive action. I learned that it was easier for me to repress creativity, flow and happiness rather than let it arise and watch her destroy it. THAT pain I could not take.
So I nearly died as an infant, by the time I was 2 I was scarily ‘well behaved’ and by the time I was 7 I was chronically depressive. My unconscious programming was set to ‘no fun, no happiness, no flow, no creativity coz they’re dangerous’. Wow! What a legacy!
I started therapy at 20, meditation at 27, developed awareness and over the years I allowed myself to be happy and joyful again. But I would still get STUCK on a regular basis. Physical pain. Lack of cash FLOW on a boringly regular basis. Stop-start artistic flow/inspiration: sometimes I could paint sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I was fun to be with and a lot of the time until recently I definitely was not.
I got over a lot of that in my 20s. Then in my 30s I had children and unconsciously associated having kids with ‘being stuck’, because that is how my mother felt about motherhood so it started all over again when I became a mother. That also started me on my journey as a conscious healer because I was determined to heal myself and change my children’s legacy! I became a Reiki Master, a Kinesiologist, a Quantum Healer. I do energy work for myself and my family all day, every day! That is just how we live now. I know a lot about energy by now, I am an expert!
The word FLOW came to me in a meditation recently. The remedy was to take ACTION that encouraged flow in my life. It’s working: this morning I was laughing out loud playing ball with the dog then dancing to Flamenco music!
My kids wish I could have been more fun when they were little. They have all articulated that wish to me. I was not and it’s ok because for the most part I looked the other way when they were playing and having fun or doing arts so I would not interrupt their creative flow. It’s worked and now they are older, THEY are teaching me how to be me, how to have fun and how to flow.
I feel like I am finally coming into balance and loving life all that much more! TOGETHER, we learn.
PS: Of course, on a soul level, I know I chose my family and created the experience to become the healer that I am now. But in THIS lifetime and in THIS body, I still had to understand and release the ‘repressed joy’ pattern to crawl away from under that rock and into the sunshine!