What would you say are the most effective methods or examples of positive reinforcement, of showing boundaries or of instilling respect?
There are so many! Whole books of them. The basis for me was to hold my babies a lot and cuddle them as much as possible so they knew deep in their bodies and hearts that they could trust me. So when I said: please don’t do this because it is dangerous, they TRUSTED me.
Second was to communicate, communicate, communicate: explain why we did what we did, from very young as a few months old, so they knew what to expect. Knowing what to expect makes kids feel safe and not out of control, so they don’t feel the need to act out so much.
Third was to make sure they were fed and rested when they acted out as little kids, because Hangry is a real thing and there is no point disciplining a child who is physically hungry or tired.
Fourth was to LISTEN to them endlessly, so I knew what they liked, wanted, avoided and were scared of. Often little kids scream, run away or kick because they don’t have the words to express what is going on and the adults haven’t paid attention to see the triggers.
5- I told them what I predicted what was going to happen, so they learned to trust my judgement (for example: if you take this toy to playgroup, so and do will want it and create a fight. Or: if you push this, it will fall and break). Which means that when I said later: “please don’t do this because this will happen”, they trusted me, believed me and did as I asked.
6- I did not micro manage them. I let them eat what they wanted, leave what they wanted, play what games they wanted, all the while paying attention and making notes but not being in their faces so they had no need to push me away.
7- they had a right to be angry but not to hit anyone or lash out at each other, though they could lash out at me. And we always made time to debrief and get to the bottom of why they lost it, then decided on a better course of action for next time: more advance warning, more food, arrive earlier or later, not invite this person, not go to those people’s house any more, be more active, get more rest, fix whatever was the root cause.
8- let them see and understand natural consequences: “you feel bad today because you wouldn’t sleep last night so now you are tired” is way more effective and a better long term lesson than slapping or yelling them into bed.
With the above as a foundation of trust and constant communication, if they did something dangerous like run away or hit someone, I would hold them, cuddle them and talk to them when they were little, so they were restrained lovingly but never hit.
As they grew older, I would remove pleasant things if communication and explanations had failed. Like: “if you fight at that house, we don’t visit there any more.” Or “if you don’t put this game away, there is no tv today” Then as teenagers: “if you don’t call me when I ask you to, I will not drive you where you want to go” or “I will disconnect your mobile phone for 24 hours.” You only have to do those things once for them to know you mean it. But the basis of not hitting is in communication, listening and deep respect for them which teaches them to respect you.
The last thing I want to say is that if you treat toddlers with the same deep respect that you do adults, meet their needs AND also allow them to tantrum and express their emotions, they have very little need to rebel and do super crazy shit as teenagers because they know they have always had your love and attention.
So no short answer. I think it’s a lot of small everyday decisions and deep respect for our kids that allows us to avoid hitting them.
No smacking need. Rather than needing to correct the kids’ behaviour I see it as need to correct ours as the adults in charge, and connect with the children.
It’s about working on ourselves and creating support for our own growth and mental health. Having support from like-minded peers who listened to me, helped me come up with alternative strategies, and also demonstrated patience, communication and respect with their own children was important to help me rewire my reactions.